No matter what I say, No matter what I write here

I love my lady yup yup i love my chick

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 11:35:48 GMT

i didn't know what my future had in store for me a couple of months ago, but i didn't know it would turn out like this. i've only had like 4 friends lately myself, tyler, and stress, and depression. me and penny have been having tough tough times lately. breaking up is even an option now, which i thought never would be. mostly everyone has heard about kyle coming into penny's life and has tooken a big piece of it. im not saying in a bad way but she needs him now and that hurts, i guess i need to mellow out about it, but i've been thinking you know i can't change things. peoples feelings, i think pennys in love with him and thats something im gonna have to accept. thats something god had planned already. im just assuming, she likes him though, she has feelings for him, thats a fact. and it hurts. im very jealous, it's worse than it use to be. i feel like breaking up would help both of us be healthier people, but it would be easier in a way for us and our future. sometimes i feel like killing myself is the only way out. like it doesn't seem like she loves me anymore, it feels like its only sympathy now, and she only loves tyler, but im such a good dad and i love him that she keeps me here because tylers life would be so much better if i was in it and we were together. but i feel so alone. like no body gives a crap about me anymore it sucks its a shitty feeling. but im doing it to myself i shut people out now. and thats very strange because i used to be the most social person....what happened. i wish i could change things but i can't. penny needs kyle now, and she doesn't need me, i can see it. like im always saying negative shit like maybe we should break up, or like god sometimes i wanna break up with you so bad. cause i think shes gonna say well lets work this out. but i feel like shes ready to give up. she says that all she wants is for me to hang out with her and kyle and all the other people but its too hard cause you know like kyle is most of her time. like she works with him all day sometimes and she comes home and texts him right after they say bye. and i want her to want to be with me when she gets home. she says that she doesn't just want to be with me she wants to hang out with people and shit, its wierd, i really think that i have a anti social disorder and i need help. im so scared that im gonna hurt or upset penny. i dont want to do anything to hurt her at all. and its so hard for me to sleep when we fight like i cant i want to work it out. but its easy for her probably cause she works all day, but yeah. im so confused. ive been with her for over a year and i still haven;t figured her out.
its so painful. i think i'd be alot more stable if i had friends again. i miss the old times every thing was good. yeah we were all dumb and teenagers cutting and stuff but it was good, we were happy. now she doesn't even like kiss me, like the passion is gone allll gone.
im really at the point where i just want penny to really really do what she wants, i think maybe she should even try being with kyle like maybe it will work out with them you know i can accept that. but keeping me here while her wanting to do it, i mean she may even not want to but who knows. it sucks more. like theres so many girls who are like "me and my boyfriend (or whatever) are so close and together that if either one of us is doing something that we don't like we will make sure it stops so they dont have to hurt". i think thats so great for those people but i want that. i think penny wants to live her life the way she wants though i dont think she wants commitment cause shes been controlled for so long before she even met me, in her child hood. like all the things i got to do she didn;t get to do cause she was always home and had to watch her sisters cause her dad wasn't around and her mom had to work.
so you know in a way i feel for her, she hasn't got to date much, or like guys or go do what she wanted i did. and now even though im young im ready to settle down. i think i have settled down a little too much. and she still needs to get it out i think thats why she likes kyle. so i need to be okay with that. but i love her to death, and i want her to know that. i want her to be happy and maybe if we do breakup we can get married later and continue our lives or maybe if she meets someone else who fits her piece perfectly thats fine. but i dont want to be here and have to watch it. i love you baby. your my girl you'll always have a place in my heart. a big one. so if anyone reads this i need people to talk to. i miss everyone to death and the past few weeks all ive been thiking about was all my old friends. so hi everyone message me on myspace i would love to catch up with everyone again.

penny if you read this your the best. your beautiful and you know it. dont deny yourself. you can do whatever you want to do, and be what you want to be if you really put your mind to it.
i love you and im ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS here for you no matter what. if you want to work this out lets fucken do it lets do it, if not, we can talk about tyler. and we'll see what happens later. i love you. sooooooo much. te amo dos (i love you two times)

why me

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 09:51:21 GMT

i feel sick and heart broken penny.
i knew this would happen now im the one in the shitty situatuion
i feel sick
xc ss
my body is freaking out.

marvin gaye

Sun, 14 May 2006 01:24:17 GMT

I've been really tryin , baby
Tryin to hold back these feelings for so long
And if you feel, like I feel baby
Come on, oh come on,

Let's get it on
Lets get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

We're all sensitive people
With so much love to give, understand me sugar
Since we got to be
Lets say, I love you

There's nothin wrong with me
Lovin you
And givin yourself to me can never be wrong
If the love is true

Don't you know how sweet and wonderful, life can be
I'm askin you baby, to get it on with me
I aint gonna worry, I aint gonna push
So come on, come on, come on, come on baby
Stop beatin round the bush....

Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on
Let's get it on

cry baby i am

Tue, 09 May 2006 03:33:40 GMT

im so fucked up inside.

moving

Thu, 04 May 2006 00:43:18 GMT

i dont want to move away to calabasas
im gonna miss my family
my friends.
my life.
this is where i grew up
i thought i would never leave ) :
i thought this is where my kids would grow up.
this sucks

anooying shit

Sun, 23 Apr 2006 21:42:20 GMT

im soooooo annoyed at what happens.
i FUCKEN HATE WHEN PEOPLE TEXT MY GIRLFRIEND TELLING THEM " I THINK I LOVE YOU"
its annoying.
i hate the internet drama up the ass.
i hate letting you go to work
i hate my jealousy and what it does to us.
i hate myself sometimes.

):

I think i need therapy or something.
im blowing up inside like a nuclear bomb.

mission failed: abort mission

Mon, 13 Mar 2006 23:37:44 GMT

so March 10 didn't turn out as well as planned. we tried. and to add to the matter we got in a fight.
Part 2 : the dryspell lives on.
so we tried, but we're still a little tender down there. which is very understandable, i mean pushing a whole life out of you doesn't heal just like that, it takes time. i was devestated at first but i think im understanding. I feel bad that i make her feel bad about it, its not her fault and i shouldn't be rushing her. It just feels like its been eternity. so im giving her a break about it, or at least trying to. I don't mean to hurt her feelings. Every night im like, "TONIGHTS THE NIGHT, I CAN FEEL IT". haha .
no im just like that. i get excited about everything. If i hear one thing i believe, i believe anything.
We tried the past three nights and didn't get anywhere excpet pain. So i figured, wait, or the pain is gonna continue. so im gonna wait, i let her know that it would be okay if we waited a month, it was totally up to her. I told her to let me know when the right time was, when she's ready. we'll see what happens.

-to penny
sorry sweetie, its not you're fault i still love you. and everything takes time. ( :

insomnia

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 22:51:03 GMT

sometimes i wish i had insomnia. because i dont really like sleeping. it kind of makes me sad, and its just a way of running away from things. when ever im pissed or something i go to sleep.
like how do i get it, sometimes i feel like i have it. but then i fall asleep.
booooo.

soooooo.

Wed, 08 Mar 2006 00:34:34 GMT

so in three days, its my lucky day....
can you guess what it is?

its the day my dry spell ends (hopefully)
Friday march Tenth is the day, we find out if we are able to hop in the sack again.
yes I am overjoyed.
because three months, is a little long.
ever though im only 14 ( : (almost fifteen)
So im getting ready
I've got :
my axe soap (to smell EXTRA fresh)
My new tooth brush and whitening toothpaste (for white shiny teeth)
My new dispoable razors and Colgate shaving Cream (for an extra smooth face)
( :
i want it to be like our first time.
super perfect. Night time scene and everything.
so im counting the days down one by one.
I'm trying to hang in there.

- Greg

Althea

Mon, 06 Mar 2006 08:37:31 GMT

hmmm. I haven't wrote in this guy in a long time. penny told me to because she said " I need to express myself" but i dont really like to anymore, because i feel like a pussy. and i dont want "people" to get the wrong impression and get mad or hate me, cause hate is the last thing i need. I hate the drama as well.
i feel like i am an adult now and that i cant be around drama. because it just reminds me that im still a kid. Things have been super super super super super hard. My dreams have slipped through my hands, im having an unbelivably hard time writing by myself, my selfesteem is down to the low range. (sometimes in the negatives) its bad because i dont want to be that way. i dont want it to bother me. the other day Andrew from next door was over. and he wanted to see the Althea video. i thought nothing of it, and watched it. but just listening to the music, phils voice. god it hurts so much, worse than any breakup ive ever had and worse than alot of things ive been through.i broke in tears. inside. drips came out on the outside but inside i was a waterfall. penny telling me that they were horrible didn't make me feel better. i feel that they are amazing. the breakdowns, the perfect vocals, their friendship, their fans, everyone. i just can't take it, seeing their myspace their pictures. i can't believe it happened. i thought i was gonna make it to warped tour. to japan, to london, around the world. but it slipped right by me. i wish things were different. i don't blame the guys for what they did, i wasn't making practices i was slacking, i felt bad leaving penny alone and pregnant. i was still like omg i know how things are gonna sound, im gonna take vocal lessons, i was writing so much better than i was. i was excited. the new name Before The Throne. I came up with it. i thought things would be perfect. but dont always get what you want. im trying to get over it slowly. but sometimes its just harder. ahhh i dont know. i feel bad when i think about it cause of my son. but that was my dream, i saw myself up there on taste of chaos year 2010 warped tour on the main stage right after thursday. but its over all over. and im gonna miss the hell out of it. in the beginning when i found their myspace they had added me out of no where, i had no idea at all that they had left Before The Throne. i saw it, and didn't think much of it. i though it was gonna be a one month thing. but then i saw the you tube and they were good. and everyone i talked to said, "Yea there good"
and i felt like god im out of it. just like jon from FFTL.when i read about them kicking him out i felt like poor guy he had it all and now it was over for him. and now im in his place alone and trying to do my own thing. but its hard im all alone. i have to make it all up all alone. and its so frustrating cause i have only one head.
im working my hardest and i hope it comes out. im doing it because theres no way im giving music up its everything to me well 3rd in the line. we'll see what happens later. everyone wish me luck cause its seriously like 500000 times harder on your own.
well im pretty much out of things to say.
so yeeee.
check out my music page www.myspace.com/forsaken777
Forgotten Prayers.

- Greg

Wed, 18 May 2005 00:24:26 GMT

I am Greg.

I eat Faces.

This is my live journal.

It is Friends Only.

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